The Personality Insights Lounge (blog)

Do you have something that happened in your past that still hangs over you to this very day? Perhaps it was something foolish that you did when you were young, or maybe it was a secret situation that no one else knew about except you. Most of us have things in our lives that we wish we could do over. However, there is something powerful that you can do with those situations. Before I tell you what that is, let me tell you two things that do not work concerning your past.

First, you can regret your past. This causes you to feel guilty and frustrated because of what happened. Guilt truly is the gift that keeps on giving! There is no way in the world for you to go back and undo the past. When you live in regret, you live under a cloud of sorrow and depression. Thoughts often go through your mind such as, “I wish I could do that over again.” Or, “I wish that had never happened.” Or, “If only, if only, if only…” Regret simply takes you around in circles and you end up right back where you started.

Second, you can re-live your past. This is perhaps an even worse situation. When you try to re-live your past, you are constantly looking for ways to undo what has already been done. I know people who are still trying to make amends for something that happened long ago. Some people still strive to please a deceased relative, hoping to make a past mistake turn out better. When you think about it, that makes absolutely no sense at all! When you continually re-live your situation, it brings you to a dead-end. You end up staying stuck.

There is another way to handle your past. You can reframe it. This is the ideal. When you reframe your past, you are able to look at it and learn from your mistakes. You are able to grow from what you learn.

As human beings, we all make mistakes. Rather than living with a spirit of regret, or trying to re-live the past, the best thing we can possibly do is to reframe everything. We must put it in proper perspective. Our mistakes may have been made when we were trying to learn how to do life. They might have been by accident, or they may have been deliberate. But, either way, the deed was done. Now the best thing to do is reframe it by seeing that what happened gave you new direction, insights and wisdom for life.

I want to encourage you to take the time to ask yourself some questions. What bothers you? What haunts you? What thoughts constantly creep into your mind when you are quiet and lay in bed at night or are all alone? Learn to reframe those thoughts and let them be the guideposts that take you in a new direction in your life.

I have learned to do this and allowed my failures to turn into blessings in my life by reframing things that have hurt me in the past. Now they give me direction for my life in the present and for the future.

All of us can reframe things and learn from our mistakes and failures in order to be all that we want to be. That is the healthy way to see life. It is also the best way to grow in the future.

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

I don’t know if you have ever been introduced to the four stages of learning or not, but they certainly are worth knowing. When you understand each of the four levels, you can determine where you are in the process as it relates to a specific area or project in your own personal life. Let’s review them together.

1. Unconscious Incompetence - That simply means that you don’t know that you don’t know! When you are not aware that you do not know something, you tend to go through life with a very naïve approach.

The best example of this is a young child. Those of us who have had children, have realized that young children must be watched carefully because they do not know what they do not know. If there is danger or unexpected problems that arise, a child could be at risk very quickly.

If you are totally incompetent in a particular area of life and are also unaware that you are incompetent in that area, you are simply a disaster waiting to happen!

The first stage of learning is unconscious incompetence and it is not a very good place to be.

2. Conscious Incompetence - That is when you begin to be aware that you do not know something. You start to recognize your lack of experience or your lack of knowledge in a particular area or endeavor of life. This position puts you in a posture to begin to make progress. You can start learning and growing as you are aware of your incompetence in that particular area.

A good example of this would be teenagers who want to get a driver’s license. They immediately become aware of what they do not know. They understand that there are laws and rules that they must learn if they want to get their license. There will be a test to take! And, because it is a burning desire of their hearts to drive, they are willing to learn and practice in their area of incompetence until they can pass the test and get that coveted driver’s license.

3. Conscious Competence - This is the area where a person realizes that not only can they learn information, but they can also do something with it. They begin to practice and develop their skills. They get good at what they have learned how to do.

This may be someone who can play the piano. They know what it takes to play the piano because they have practiced over and over again. And, the more they practice, the more competent they become in that skill.

Anyone who is an expert at whatever they are doing has developed conscious competence. They put in the time, effort and energy to learn what it was they wanted to do in order that they could become accomplished at it.

All of us should have conscious competence in our own particular areas of expertise or whatever vocation we are involved in on a daily basis.

4. Unconscious Competence - This is when something becomes second nature to us.

For instance, this could be as simple as riding a bicycle or as complex as flying a plane. But, since you have done it for so many years you just get on and take off. You do not even give it a second thought.

It may also be someone who has been teaching school or doing secretarial work for 20 or 30 years. They have practiced their skills until they have become second nature to them.

This is the stage where a person makes whatever they are doing look very, very easy to everyone else. Once again, I think of skilled musicians who, after years of performing, can stand up and sing or play an instrument and make it look so easy. It truly is second nature to them and has become a natural part of their life.

Truly this is the goal that we should all strive for - to get a place that whatever we do in life is just second nature to us.

I think these four stages of learning are fascinating! I can see how I have been through all four of them in many different areas of life. I can also see how I am still developing in those four areas. I am sure the same is true of you as well.

Please remember that all four of these stages of learning take time. Why not check to see where you think you might be in a particular area at this current time? If you need to grow, feel free to do so! If you want to begin a new area of life, don’t feel badly that you have to start at the bottom of the ladder. It is in taking that first step that you begin to move up the ladder and get to where you want to go.

Keep walking in life and climbing the ladder. Just make sure it is leaning against the right wall so that you will be satisfied when whatever you are doing becomes second nature to you and is a blessing and encouragement to all with whom you come in contact.

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

I hope you will give this Tip your undivided attention. It could be the one to change your direction for the rest of your life!

Before the bicycle, as we know it today, was invented, it had quite an evolution. An earlier version had a front tire that was considerably larger than the back tire. It was thought that this design would make the bicycle more stable and sturdy. Actually, it turned out that the first cyclists had to be very athletic to ride that bike because it took a lot of muscle to propel it forward. The large front tire made it very challenging to the rider.

After many experiments, someone got the bright idea to make the two tires the same size. Can you believe that was once a novel idea? I wish I could have been a fly on the wall, listening to the conversation that may have taken place that day! Finally, with both wheels being the same size, the bicycle was much easier to operate. And, the rest is history!

However, in the early 1900’s, there were a couple of bicycle mechanics by the name of Orville and Wilbur Wright. As these two brothers worked on bicycles every day in their shop, they began to get ideas about speed and other modes of transportation. They dreamed of creating a flying machine and that dream became an obsession with them. They are credited with having made the first flight in Kittyhawk, North Carolina, just over one hundred years ago.

If someone had asked Orville and Wilbur Wright what gave them the right to create an airplane, I doubt very seriously that anyone would have been impressed if the brothers had answered, “We are bicycle mechanics!” That would have caused everyone to laugh them to scorn.

I think what gives anyone the right to try anything basically boils down to two issues: 1) having a dream, and 2) having a desire.

When you have a dream, you can see things that other people do not see. You do not look at all the obstacles. You learn to look at the finish line and the success of the endeavor you are attempting. Life is really made up of dreams. I pity the person who does not have a big dream that causes them to get out of the bed every morning and take another step towards achieving that dream. When a person lives with a dream, they truly have a life worth living!

The second thing I mentioned is desire. You will not do anything if you do not have desire. Once you have a dream, a burning desire is what propels it to become reality. It happened with the Wright brothers. They had a dream of a flying machine and the desire to try, and that is what gave them the right to be the ones to do it!

I know that in some cases we must earn certain credentials in order to have the legal right to do things. I certainly want my medical doctor to have earned the right through his or her studies to operate on my body whenever that is necessary! But, even in that case, before the right to become a physician was earned, there had to be a dream or a desire to pursue that profession.

In this particular Tip, I am trying to focus on the fact that you have the right to attempt anything that you dream. I know that what the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. And, your dreams are well worth pursuing! I also know you have the right, if you have desire. When you want to do things that make a difference in life, that is what qualifies you to attempt whatever is on your heart or mind.

The next time someone tries to steal your dream or kill your desire by making fun of you, or by asking what gives you the right to pursue whatever it is that you are pursuing, just smile and say, “There are two things that give me that right. I have a dream and I have a desire, and I am going to do my very best to see them fulfilled.”

Life is so short and you should enjoy the trip by attempting to accomplish whatever goals that you have in your life. Dream big! Have strong desires! You have the right to do that. You have the right to succeed. All it takes is for you to stay the course until you see your dreams and desires fulfilled.

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

I have often been amused by some of the mix-ups that take place when words or sentences are translated from one language to another. I remember watching a particular episode of “I Love Lucy” that illustrated that very well.

Ricky, Lucy’s husband, was very frustrated with a particular situation that was taking place between himself and his wife, Lucy. Finally, he said, “Lucy, I know what you are doing. You are trying to put a sweater on my head!” Lucy was confused and said, “What on earth are you talking about?” He repeated himself, “I know that you are trying to put a sweater on my head.” After pausing for a minute, she asked, “Do you mean that I am trying to pull the wool over your eyes?” He said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I said!”

Another example was when my good friend, Jim Kilgore, was speaking at a church in Korea where Billy Kim is the pastor. Pastor Kim speaks fluent English and Korean. Therefore, he was able to understand both what Jim was saying in English, and what the interpreter was saying in Korean. After Jim had been introduced, he stood up and said, “Thank you all for coming tonight. I am tickled to death to be here.” The interpreter stopped, turned, and looked at Jim Kilgore. He asked, “What do you mean, ‘tickled to death’?” Jim then explained that it was simply an English phrase that meant he was very happy to be there and it brought him a lot of joy and excitement in his heart to be in Korea. The interpreter turned to the audience and said in Korean, “Our speaker tonight has laughed and laughed and finally he died.” The audience sat there, stunned. I guess “tickled to death” got lost in the translation!

But, my favorite one happened to my friend, Yanni, who is a missionary in Africa. Yanni speaks eight languages very fluently. She is one of the most remarkable people I have ever met in my life. I had dinner with her and some other friends, in Belfast, Northern Ireland, a few years ago.

Yanni knows that I live on the lighter side of life and am always looking for a funny story, so she told me about a young girl she once heard speaking at a church meeting. The girl was speaking in a language that was not her native tongue. She was trying to say, “I can look back over my shoulder and see my past. It can be divided into two parts - before I started following God, and after I started following God.” That’s what she was trying to say. But, what she actually said was, “I can look back over my shoulder and see my behind. It can be divided into two parts!” Well, when she said that, everybody in the audience just about fell out of their chairs! You can imagine what that must have been like.

You may have your own stories and examples of how things have gotten mixed up in translation from one language to another. And, even though those stories are amusing, that really is not the main point of this Tip. When I talk about things getting mixed up in translation, I am really not referring to words translated from one language to another. I am primarily talking about misunderstandings that happen within the same language.

How many times have you told someone something that was clear in your own mind, yet, everything got mixed up because it was not clear in the person’s mind to whom you were speaking?

I have discovered it is far better to double check things and go over them several times in order to be sure that there is clarity, rather than simply assume that someone understood what I was talking about. There are two sentences I always use to help bring clarity. The first is, “Would you say back to me what you heard me say so that I can be sure I was clear?” And, second, “Could I say back to you what I think you said so I can be sure that I understood correctly?”

If you ask those questions, in both cases, you put the burden on yourself to get the information right. Whenever you are talking to someone, always put the responsibility on yourself for being clear. That will eliminate blame and will help you to be much clearer and communicate correctly. I have talked about that in other Tips, so I will not belabor the point.

Whether it is in another language or in our own language, be careful that you understand what is taking place. It is bad enough when things get mixed up in different languages, but when they get mixed up in the same language, it really shows that we are not communicating in the best way possible.

We are all better than that! Let’s prove it in the future!

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

I have finally figured out what the biggest relational problem is in all of life! It is when you have two ticks and no dog! A word of further explanation is certainly needed at this point!

Wherever two people are connected in some kind of relationship, it is important to understand exactly what is going on. Whether it is a husband/wife relationship, two business people working together, a parent/child relationship, or any other endeavor, everything begins to fall apart when you have two ticks and no dog!

Ticks are simply “takers”. A tick will take and get what he wants, but it is always at the expense of someone other than himself. If you put two ticks together, they will not co-exist for very long because of their nature. Neither tick has anything to offer the other. Yet, both want to take from any animal to which they are attached.

There is a second scenario that is also not very healthy. That is when you have one dog and one tick. The tick provides nothing of any value to that relationship. It will just take, and take, and take, and “go along for the ride,” as long as it possibly can. The nature of a tick is not to provide anything of any value, but simply to get all that it can, for as long as it can. And, that is a sad situation!

Do you like ticks? Do you know of anyone who likes ticks? See, what I mean?

There is, however, one other option that, in my mind, creates a very profitable scenario. That situation occurs when you have two healthy dogs and no ticks. When both dogs are strong and healthy and do not have something “sucking the blood out of their life,” they tend to be much happier and healthier. They do not waste a lot of time trying to find out why something is making them feel uncomfortable or irritated in certain areas of their life.

Imagine for a moment that you are a dog. Wouldn’t it be nice to be tick-free?

I know this may sound like the weirdest Tip you have ever read in your life, but I recently spoke about this on two different occasions. Both audiences really connected with it. They were able to fix in their minds an image of what they wanted to be in their own personal lives. Several people indicated to me that this illustration painted a clear picture for them that being a healthy dog is much better than being a tick.

When we are able to look at situations and circumstances in our lives, we are able to make adjustments. But, if we don’t know what is going on around us, then we will simply “go along” until something bad or difficult happens that suddenly wakes us up to reality. At that point, it may be too late.

My personal goal is to be a healthy, responsible person who contributes to the world in which I live. I want to be a blessing to my family. I want to be an encouragement to my co-workers. And, I want to be of value to everyone with whom I come in contact. Although I sometimes stumble, I am not looking for anyone to do anything for me. I really want to be the kind of person who is willing to do things for others. In other words, I want to be a healthy dog, not a tick!

Open your eyes and look around you. See if you are in a situation where you might possibly be a tick or a dog. It may be time for a change. This is not always a fun process, but it sure is healthy for your own sanity, emotional stability, and personal future!

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.