The Personality Insights Lounge (blog)

Most of us who are a little older have seen a movie starring John Wayne at one time or another.  Over the years, John Wayne became known as the “man’s man.”  There probably has not been anyone who is tougher, stronger, and more determined to succeed in life, or in the movies, than John Wayne.  He was bigger than life, on screen and off.

I have done a little research into his life and was amused by some of my findings.  According to Wikipedia, the free, online encyclopedia, John Wayne placed third among Americans as their all-time favorite film star.  He is the only deceased star who remains on the list, as well as being the only one who has appeared on the Harris poll every year since it first began in 1994.  In 1999, the American Film Institute named John Wayne as the thirteenth greatest male star of all time.  Anyone who lives on the planet earth has surely heard of John Wayne!

I think the thing that impressed me most about him was not so much his acting career, as much as his strong pro-America stance.  Soviet documents released in 2003, reveal that, despite being a fan of John Wayne’s movies, Joseph Stalin ordered Wayne’s assassination due to his strong anti-communist politics.  Stalin died before the killing could be accomplished.  His successor, Nikita Khrushchev, reportedly told Wayne, during a 1958 visit to the United States, that he had personally rescinded the order.  Don’t you find it interesting that a world-leader such as Joseph Stalin would actually want to kill John Wayne?  Again, he was a unique individual; probably one of a kind.

As much as I appreciate John Wayne as an icon of manhood, I really do wish that all of us could realize that from time to time it is okay to cry.  I know it doesn’t sound very masculine or “manly,” but I think it is important to face the reality that sometimes tears are valuable.  I once heard that tears represent pain that is leaving our body.  I like that!  I think it is a good, healthy approach to life to realize that sometimes a good cry helps you to get a lot of old “poison” out of your system.  I do not think we should go around with a sad look on our face, just waiting to burst out crying at the drop of a hat, but neither do I think it is wise to stuff all of the hurts and disappointments of life into our body and never give ourselves the permission or opportunity for a tearful release.

I have probably shed more tears in the last 10 years of my life than I did in the first 50.  And, yes, if you do the math, you will know that I am 60 years old.  I am not ashamed of the fact that I have shed tears.  Every time it happens, I always feel better after the experience.  It makes me feel more balanced, as well as emotionally healthy.  Again, (and I have to repeat this for all of those in the John Wayne club), I am not talking about living with your feelings on the edge of your sleeve and bursting out crying on a daily basis.  But, I am talking about the value of being vulnerable with a trusted friend and sharing some of the pain, hurt, and sorrow that you have experienced in life.

Around the holiday season, many people feel extra sadness.  I think the holidays sometimes bring out a melancholy feeling and sadness in our heart that life has not turned out exactly as we had planned.  That is okay.  We’ll get through whatever we’re going through at the present moment and be better for it.

John Wayne was quite a character.  One of my favorite quotes from him is, “Life is hard.  It is even harder when you are stupid!”  See what I mean?  He was one tough guy and always had something strong to say.  And, sometimes we need that!  It can help us to develop strength, character, and integrity to fulfill the tasks that lie in front of us.  But, we are also human and when the tears need to come, let me encourage you to allow them to flow.  It will be to your advantage to get the “poison” out and to allow your body and emotions to heal, in order that you can experience the new growth that will come in your personal life.

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

Often when we think of a coach, we think of an athletic advisor for a sporting event.  And, there have certainly been some great coaches who have helped many athletes have a better life because of their influence and direction.  In more recent days, however, most of us have heard that a coach can be more than just an athletic advisor.  A coach can be someone who gives you guidance in your own personal life and future. 
 
A coach is someone who looks at something with another set of eyes.  They are able to give advice on the best way to approach the problems and challenges that a person may be facing.  The wonderful thing about a coach is that they usually are not emotionally invested in those situations.  Because they are not emotionally involved, they are able to have a better perspective and a more “level-headed” approach in the process.
 
It is both funny and strange that the coach does not have to be an expert in the exact area in which you need help.  Of course, experience is a plus, but just the very fact that he or she can look at your situation from an unbiased, unemotional perspective, is the issue that will help them give proper perspective.  All I am trying to point out is that a coach can be someone who simply has a different set of eyes.
 
You may have heard the story about the eighteen-wheeler truck that got stuck under a bridge in a busy city.  The Highway Department tried to figure out how they were going to get the truck un-stuck.  They considered everything from cutting off the top of the truck to tearing down the bridge.  The truck was lodged so tightly that it could not budge nor move forward or backwards.  As all of the city planners and brilliant transportation experts studied the situation, a young boy rode up on his bicycle and observed what was taking place.  He strolled over to the man who was in charge and said, “Sir, why don’t you just let some of the air out of the truck’s tires and it will go down a little bit?”
 
Well, as the story goes, everyone looked at each other in amazement because the solution was so simple!  That is the point I am trying to make in this particular Tip.  All of us need someone who can look at our circumstances and situations in a different light.  They surely will be able to see one part of it that perhaps we have overlooked. 
 
Although I am a big believer in gathering wisdom and counsel from someone who is older and wiser, and who has experience in a particular area, I am also open to the fact that a coach may be anyone who gives me information and direction that will help my life and circumstances to be better.  Which one of us has not had a child or grandchild say something that helped us to see something that we had not previously seen?  I know that I am only going to get to live one time so I want to gain all the wisdom I can from as many resources as possible.
 
I have a personal coach who is eleven years older than me.  He is ahead of me in life and where I want to be eleven years from now.  I talk to him about relationships, business, spiritual matters, and other areas of life.  I am grateful to have someone who gives me guidance.  But, I also have coaches who are as young as four years old.  They teach me how to get down on the floor and laugh and not take life so seriously. 
 
I am going to learn from my coaches and I would suggest you do the same.  Begin to look around at who you allow to influence your life and who you listen to for advice and counsel.  Having a coach makes everything go better!

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

As most of you know, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving here in the United States this week.  It is the day we set aside to specifically remember to be thankful for all of the blessings of life.  I am sure that everyone reading this Tip has things for which they are truly grateful.  I am also sure that some of you have experienced challenges this past year or are facing them right now.  That is just the nature of life.  However, I do believe that having an attitude of gratitude is one unyielding truth that can take us through any situation.
 
When I say gratitude, I mean that we are genuinely grateful for what we are learning through the circumstances we may be facing.  I am not saying that we should be glad for something bad happening in our life or circumstances.  However, I am saying that the things that we learn through the circumstances that we face all make us better.  And, the key to getting better, rather than bitter, during the process is maintaining an attitude of gratefulness and thanksgiving in our heart.
 
Stop and think about it for a moment.  What are your alternatives?  When things do not go the way you want them to, you can easily become frustrated, angry, and bitter.  But, is that really going to help?  Will that make matters any better?  Will it help your health?  Will it help your relationships?  I think the answer to all of those questions is a big NO!  You and I realize that having those negative attitudes will do nothing to bring about positive results.  The only real hope that any of us have during difficult times is the healing power of a grateful heart.  That is all that will sustain us or get us through hard circumstances.
 
I was recently speaking to someone who went through a terrible divorce many years ago.  He shared that he had spent many sleepless nights reliving all of the difficult experiences he had faced during his marriage.  He recounted to me the good times and the bad.  He told me that if he had to do it all over again, even though it was extremely painful, he would be willing to do so, simply for the things he learned about himself and about life during the process.  He went on to say that he now knew how to better communicate with not just other females, but with everyone in general, because of the things he had learned that he had done wrong in his marriage.  He concluded our conversation by saying, “I don’t think there was any other way I could have learned these things except through this failure.  I am actually grateful for everything I have gone through and experienced.”  Did you catch the last thing that he said?  It was the attitude of gratefulness that carried the day.  That was the issue that gave him peace in his heart and was the defining factor in the entire situation. 
 
It is certainly true that all of us need to remember that the secret key to dealing with anything that is hard in life is gratitude.  I know that during this Thanksgiving season, the focus is on our freedom, our country and our well-being as a nation.  But, I am also aware that on a more personal basis, the real key to our own happiness during this Thanksgiving season is looking past the turkey and all the good food deep into our own hearts to find a spirit of gratefulness for all that life has brought our way. 
 
Again, I think it is important to make changes and to avoid problems whenever possible.  Although it is true that pain is inevitable, I believe that suffering is optional.  And, the thing that keeps us away from suffering, while at the same time greatly reducing the pain, is a grateful spirit.
 
I hope that this is your best Thanksgiving ever!  Regardless of where you live throughout the world, remember that thanksgiving and having a grateful heart is not just for one day of the year.  It is ultimately the secret that actually takes us through every day of our life!

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D
Personality Insights, Inc.

Most of you know that I am a big fan of Chick-fil-A.  I have been eating at the original Dwarf House, where Chick-fil-A started, since 1967.  It is located on Central Avenue, not too far from the Atlanta airport.  That is where Truett Cathy invented his famous sandwich and started his business back in 1946.  Originally it was a very small restaurant with only four booths and four counter seats, hence the name, Dwarf House.  Over the years, it has grown in size but it still remains a cozy place to eat.  Almost everyone who eats there does so on a regular basis.
 
There is a woman who has been working there for many, many years by the name of Rhonda.  She has an incredible attitude.  Regardless of when you walk in or who you are, she will treat you as though you are absolutely the most important customer in the entire world!  She gives you a big hello and sometimes, a hug.  She is always “up” and filled with energy and excitement.  She gets your order right every time and checks on you several times during the meal to see if there is anything else she can do to help you.  She is incredible!
 
Recently I was talking to Rhonda and she told me that they had just promoted her and asked her to teach all of the other servers at the Dwarf House how to do a good job.  She told me that she works with wonderful people and looks forward to teaching them some of the pointers she has learned over the years through her own personal experience.
 
I am not surprised that they chose Rhonda to teach the other servers.  She is so fantastic that it just follows that she should be the one to be in charge of the training.  There is an old saying, “Cream always rises to the top,” and this is certainly true in her case.  All of the other people who are trained by Rhonda will surely have the benefit of her experience and expertise.
 
I congratulated Rhonda and told her that I was proud of her, but she just shrugged it off as no big deal.  She went on about her business with the excellent service and great attitude that she always has had in the past, and which I am sure that she will have in the future.
 
The reason I believe Rhonda is so successful is largely because she enjoys serving people.  It is not “put-on,” or fake, or for show.  It simply comes out of her heart.  She attracts people because she has a genuine servant’s spirit.
 
Have you ever stopped to think about what really causes success in any business endeavor?  I believe it comes down to good service.  Think about the places you enjoy going to most.  Isn’t it because there is good service involved?  And think about how you feel when you get bad service.  It causes you to not want to do any further business with that establishment, doesn’t it?
 
At the end of the day, everything boils down to service.  If a company is succeeding, it is not only because they have a good product, but also because they give good customer service.  And, it also does not matter if it is in a business relationship or a personal one.  Anybody who is part of a family and knows how to genuinely love and serve other people will soon be thought of as someone who is very special in that family, indeed. 
 
It is easy to talk about this.  It is easy to write articles about it.  It is even easy to watch Rhonda do it.  The hard part of service comes where the rubber meets the road.  That is the question, “Am I able to have a servant’s heart towards other people?”  “Am I willing to really care for them and put their needs and wants first?”  This is not easy to do.  Sometimes there are challenges that get in our way and make it necessary for us to deal with situations that are very painful, hurtful, and sometimes expensive.  Yet, I have found that if I can keep a servant’s heart and truly desire to be a blessing and an encouragement to other people, it always makes everything go better; even during the difficult times.
 
If you are ever close to the Dwarf House, be sure to drop by.  Ask for Rhonda and tell her you read an article about her once in the Tip of the Week.  Tell her that you are proud to meet her.  She will be a celebrity for sure!  And, you know the crazy thing about it?  The notoriety will not change the way Rhonda acts one bit.  She will continue to love and serve people with a great attitude because that is just the way she is wired. 
 
I want to be wired like her!  I am working on it.  I’m not there yet, but I am making progress.  I am sure you feel the same way, don’t you?

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.

Most of us have had the experience of being in a boat or on a ship at one time or another.  But, believe me; I learned the hard way that there is a big difference between a boat and a ship!  Once when I was on a cruise liner, we were given a tour of the entire facility.  I asked the captain of the ship, “How big is this boat?”  He replied in a rather indignant manner, “A boat is what you fish in.  This is a ship!”  I knew immediately that I had used the wrong word to describe his beloved sea vessel.  A sailboat, on the other hand, is a much smaller vessel.  Since it is called a sailboat,” I suppose it is qualified to be a boat rather than a ship. 
 
I am aware that I used the following example a few months ago in a previous Tip; however, because the concept has been so valuable to my life, I believe it bears repeating.  Besides, as you will see, the point of this Tip differs from the earlier one, so bear with me.
 
If you have ever been sailing on a sailboat, you will notice that there is a unique occurrence that takes place.  When you want to travel to an upwind destination, you cannot go in a straight line.  You must sail a zig-zag pattern.  Those of you who are familiar with sailing know that this is called tacking.  It may be true in geometry that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but in sailing, you cannot go the shortest distance in a straight line if you are traveling into a headwind.  You have to go in a zig-zag pattern.  That is the nature of sailing. 
 
When tacking, you travel to the left for a while, then slow the boat down, turn the rudder, adjust the sails so that the wind catches them, and off you go to the right.  After traveling in that direction for a period of time, you turn the rudder again and repeat the process, heading in the other direction.  It is necessary to continue doing this back and forth pattern until you reach your desired upwind destination. 
 
In this series of turns, you must slow down and almost come to a complete stop so that when you turn the sails in a new direction, it does not flip the boat over and you can make a successful turn. 
 
You may be wondering at this point why I am repeating this sailboat lesson.  It is for two reasons.  First of all, I have discovered that more than in any other illustration, life is a lot like tacking in a sailboat.  We rarely get from where we are to where we want to be in a straight line or a straight pattern.  It takes many turns and changes of direction to get to where we want to go.  Someone shared that with me years ago and I have seen it to be true over and over again.  Life is just not a neat, simple event.  We have to go in a zig-zag pattern to reach our destination.
 
The second thing I have learned is that when nothing seems to be happening in life and we are frustrated with the journey, we should recognize the fact that it is simply a time when the wind is dying down and it is time to turn our sails.  We cannot change the direction of our life while we are going full-speed in one direction.  Things need to slow down, the sails have to be adjusted, the rudder must be turned, and we oftentimes have to wait for the wind to start blowing again.  However, in time, the winds of life will take us in a new direction.  We will begin to see and experience things we had not encountered in the past because we are going in a brand new direction.
 
Lately I have experienced some change in my own personal life and it seems that many I have spoken with have, too.  For some of us, the change has to do with relationships and for others it has to do with the condition of our economy.  But, whether it has to do with relationships or money, I can assure you that change will come for all of us at some point.  Someone once said that we are either just getting over a challenge, are right in the middle of a challenge, or are about to face a new challenge. 
 
By keeping the sailboat analogy clear in your mind, I believe it will help you see that, just as the sailboat destination requires us to go in a zig-zag pattern, so does life.  It is not meant to frustrate us, but it is meant to help us learn the lessons that we need along the journey so we will know what to do when we get to our desired destination.
 
Please understand, I am not an expert sailor.  There are many who could probably explain this far better than I can.  However, I did want to call this analogy to your attention again in case you may want to use it in your own personal life.  I hope that this simple illustration of a sailboat ride will help your life go smoother and get you to your anticipated destination.  Happy sailing!

Have a great week! God bless you!

Robert Rohm Ph.D.
Personality Insights, Inc.